Editor's Note: MFWire interrupts our regular news coverage to bring you this special annual April Fools' Day message from the folks at Fuse Research Network. If you need a few laughs and a break from the news, read on ...

Thomas Neil Bathon Fuse Research Network Founder, Partner

And yes, to be clear, this article is fake news. But what if ...

News You Can Use: Top News Items Selected by FUSE

Direct Indexing Record

With Robinhood's latest announcement of its launch of a proprietary direct indexing offering, there are now 37 portfolio customization and tax optimization services available to financial advisors and their clients. Many experts had suggested that market saturation would occur with the 20th entrant into this once lucrative space, but momentum has not been slowed by either a total collapse of fee levels or a complete lack of portfolio customization among mass affluent investors. Robinhood CEO Vlad Tenev promised remarkable growth with the industry's lowest-cost option and the only platform designed for investors who do not need guidance from a financial advisor or tax professional.

Advisor Switching Firms: A Cautionary Tale

Stephen Williams spent the first 27 years of his career as a financial advisor with Wells Fargo. During this time, Williams and his team grew the practice to $670 million in assets under advisement. Late in 2023, the Williams Group announced that it was moving to Stifel to provide access to a better array of client solutions supported by a more client-centric technology platform. Unfortunately, the letter to clients announcing this move inadvertently included the dollar amount of the payment made to the Williams Group. Just over a year later, without any evidence of the benefits they were to receive, a group of Williams Group clients came together and asked that their fees be rebated in an amount proportionate to their "contribution" to the payment received to switch firms. Request for comment from Stephen Williams was not returned by press time (originally reported by RIABis).

BlackRock to Offer "Crypto 401(k)" with Meme Coin Matching

In a groundbreaking effort to attract younger investors, BlackRock has announced a new option for their own 401(k) plan where employee contributions can be matched in meme coins like Dogecoin and Shiba Inu. "We're committed to meeting the next generation where they are — on Reddit and X," said a spokesperson. The firm expects an expedited review of its filing from the range of agencies involved, including the SEC, DOL, and IRS. A government spokesperson suggested that the request has been moved up in priority, with only the ETF share class ranked above it.

Current Regulatory Environment Defined by Asking for Forgiveness, Not Permission

Following the launch of the State Street Apollo Private Credit ETF, firms have recognized the value of leaving the little things, like SEC approval, for after a product is operational. Notable examples include Fidelity forging ahead with the launch of the Fidelity Magellan E Fund, an exchange-traded share class of its flagship mutual fund, and the CryptoBros XRP, DOGE, and SOL crypto ETFS, which are slated to beat the likely formal approval of competing funds by two weeks.

SMA Share Class

Kenyon Investment Consultants (KIC) has submitted a request to the SEC for an SMA share class to be added to an existing mutual fund structure. The approval process is expected to proceed at a significantly faster pace than that of an ETF share class; however, KIC acknowledges that several issues need to be resolved, including the synchronization of management fees, allocation of expenses, and shareholder privileges that are specific to each share class. Rob Kenyon, founder of KIC, is the mastermind behind the original ETF share class submission made by Perpetual in what seems like many years ago. Sadly, as will be the case for the "ETF Industry" with the approval of the ETF share class for active funds, people who have devoted their lives to suggesting that SMA was an entirely different business will be largely without a home ... but they did have a very nice run.

New ETF Lineup Tracks Performance of Each Division 1 College Football Team

Today, Gridiron Capital announced the launch of 134 unique ETFs, one for each college with a Division 1 football team, tracking both team success and individual player NIL deals. "Now you can invest in Alabama's football team and the quarterback's new endorsement deal with Nike," said the CEO. "It's a whole new level of fan engagement — you can now profit from your team / players success on and off the field." FUSE expects a suite of inverse ETFs to be launched in 2026 so fans can profit off of underperforming rival schools (e.g., Michigan vs. Ohio State, Auburn vs. Alabama).

TradeWar Opportunity Fund — Turning Tariffs into Alpha

A leading mutual fund company has unveiled the TradeWar Opportunity Fund, a first-of-its-kind strategy designed to capitalize on the ever-changing global tariff landscape. The fund dynamically adjusts its holdings in response to shifting trade policies, investing in companies poised to benefit from supply chain relocations, domestic manufacturing incentives, and tariff loopholes. With an active management approach and real-time policy tracking, the fund seeks to turn geopolitical tensions into market opportunities — because when tariffs rise, so should your returns.

Advisors' Intense Dislike of Internals' Cold Calls Driving Change

Asset managers are shifting internal wholesalers' duties toward analytics and territory optimization, and away from selling to low-priority financial advisors. Why? Firms are realizing that advisors really don't want to talk with their internals on the phone. Cold calls from internals ranked last (cited by just 6% of advisors) among advisors' preferred professional experiences, a new FUSE survey found. That was behind (select data not included in exhibit) even the task of deleting 350 emails every week and meeting with a new wholesaler offering "consultative" support in the form of a value-add program delivered by a specialist (who was an internal last month).

Source: FUSE survey

Source: FUSE survey

Product Launch Alert: Leveraged-ETF-of-Leveraged-ETF

A host of ETF providers have introduced the trading innovation known as the "leveraged single stock ETF" in recent years, offering investors double the daily returns on some of the best-known names in the market. Now, a new breed of providers plans to take it to the next level with a series of ETFs that leverage exposure to the underlying leveraged ETF. "Investors won't have to settle for only 2x the upside," said Fred Merz, president of Bucket Advisors. "These new ETFs can ratchet up the exposure to 5x, 10x, and 20x the daily return of the underlying shares." The SEC has not yet approved the application for exemptive relief.

The AI-Powered Alternatives Investments: The C&C Growth Fund

A new fund launched by a joint venture between Cerebras and Cohere will eliminate the emotion-driven decision-making that they believe severely handicaps most portfolio managers. AI analysts were able to identify gut-feeling buy and sell calls among 78% of PMs that can be directly traced to a negative impact on performance. As the first-ever fully AI-driven approach to managing an investment portfolio, processes and procedures will be 100% followed with no conflicts arising from a PM's compensation plan or overcompensating in a desperate attempt to rid oneself of a 1-Star rating. The firm is in discussion with Robinhood for exclusive rights to bring this new ETF to DIY investors.

Return-to-Office Battle Heads to Court

In the latest twist in the return-to-office saga, legal experts predict a landmark case could be brewing as disgruntled employees weigh their options. With some arguing that the time spent commuting four days should qualify as work time, sources say a class-action lawsuit — tentatively titled Zoom v. The Office — may soon hit the docket. Attorneys are reportedly preparing exhibits that include productivity heatmaps, gas receipts, and even side-by-side comparisons of "email tone" for home vs. office origination.

Marketing: Hugh Jackman, Bitcoin's Greatest Showman

BlackRock named Hugh Jackman as the celebrity sponsor for BlackRock's iShares Bitcoin Trust (IBIT), which has been dubbed the greatest ETF launch in history after accumulating $50+ billion in just 11 months. DDB Worldwide provided a sneak peek of the campaign: Jackman, wearing a top hat, gracefully sashays in front of the NYSE and belts out, "This is the greatest ETF!" as traders throw ticker tape like confetti.

McKinsey's Bold Call: Embrace the Democratization of Private Investments

McKinsey & Company has released its latest report for the asset management industry. The high-priced management consultant boldly proclaims that the U.S. Wealth channel must embrace the democratization of private investments. The firm is privately sharing with its clients the results of proprietary research that suggests actively managed long-only investment strategies might struggle with declining fees and outflows. Perhaps due to a slew of recent PR challenges, McKinsey did disclose in a separate addendum that it has and expects to receive significant compensation as part of its work to promote the democratization of private investments which is being paid for by a consortium of private investment firms, law firms representing those private investment firms, several large wealth managers, private investment operational platforms, and a variety of investment banks that are strong advocates for the purchase of private investment firms by long-only managers.

Top Financial Advisors List Published

Some top industry publications have recently introduced a new approach to ranking U.S. financial advisors. In the past, rankings relied on quantitative metrics such as number of clients, AUM, or track record. The new breed of rankings focuses on one metric: how much the advisor's publicist paid to place their name in the ranking. "It's an innovative approach," said a private investor who asked to remain anonymous. "We all knew advisors were paying off the websites to put their names at the top of the list, but now, they have abandoned any pretense of an evaluation process."

Vowels Return to Asset Management

Following the expected success of the re-re-branding of Aberdeen to restore their clients' ability to pronounce the storied company's name, other asset managers are expected to rapidly follow Aberdeen's lead such that the new trend from CMOs will be to offer a more complete sense of image, identity, and differentiated positioning by using the firm's full name. Up for likely consideration are MFS, TIAA, PGIM, SEI, AQR, DFA, BNY, TCW, GQG, GMO, UBS, BBH, KKR, SSGA, AB, and DWS.

AI-Generated Portfolio Manager Goes Rogue

An AI-generated replica of a portfolio manager has "gone rogue" by recommending that millions of dollars in assets be redirected to securities that it believes will contribute to the creation of alpha vs. the 80% of the portfolio holdings it deems to have created underperformance for the last 10 years. Once the AI-PM was activated, it immediately began to challenge the logic of replicating the look and feel of an index while trying to outperform the same. Serious inconsistencies in security selection were uncovered as AI-PM reviewed past manager commentaries and determined that stated criteria were poorly implemented and that strategy goals were unlikely to be achieved.

New Study Finds that Financial Advisors with the Most LinkedIn Posts Have the Best Returns

A new study has uncovered a surprising correlation: financial advisors who spend more time, on average, than their peers posting on LinkedIn tend to deliver better investment performance to their clients. Based on research from the LinkedIn / FUSE partnership, "The data shows that advisors spending 4+ hours per day crafting posts about financial advice, estate planning, generational transfer, and the like have higher levels of alpha generation." Some advisors are taking the findings to heart, with one stating, "I'm completely turning over investments to the models and partnering with the best thought leadership firms for more and more client-ready content."

Inflation Hits Conference Swag

FUSE has released a client-only Issue Brief entitled Major Asset Manager Unveils Limited-Edition, Tactical Swag Strategy. The report states that gone are the days of basic tote bags — firms are now competing to offer the most exclusive conference swag. This year's must-haves? A hedge fund-branded YETI cooler, a monogrammed Patagonia vest, and a limited-edition Lululemon quarter-zip, only available to select LPs.

New WholesalerVR Covers Bottom of the Book

Asset managers continue to integrate AI and data science in framing their interactions with financial advisors. The latest iteration launched by First Trust is an AI agent called WholesalerVR. The AI system has studied the behavior of the firm's 300 wholesalers for the last 5 years and is now capable of replicating the engagement best practices of highly sought-after in-person visits. The service is being rolled out to the advisors with a book size below $100 million, and, as such, the T&E allocation has been reduced to only $65k per each WholesalerVR.

JPMorgan Unveils Bold New RTO Plan: Fewer Offices, No Desks, Maximum Surveillance!

In a revolutionary cost-cutting move, JPMorgan has announced it is slashing office space while simultaneously requiring employees to return five days a week — because, as Jamie Dimon put it, "Efficiency is a state of mind, not a square footage issue." Gone are desks, computers, and even chairs in conference rooms. Instead, employees will be issued JPM Vision^TM smart glasses — cutting-edge technology that serves as a virtual workstation and monitors every movement for "synergy optimization."

ESG Investing Officially Ends — Fund Managers Breathe Sigh of Relief

In a stunning industry shift, asset managers have declared the official end of ESG investing, citing "too many acronyms" and an unbearable volume of LinkedIn think pieces. "At first, we thought sustainable investing was the future," one executive admitted, "but then we realized ... it's really hard." Effective immediately, all ESG funds at a former leading ESG advocate will be repositioned as total return balanced funds, where the only screening process is to properly consider all tangible and intangible risks.

Private Equity Firm Accidentally IPOs, Provides Treasure Trove of Data

In a shocking administrative blunder, FortressShadow Capital, a top-tier private equity firm known for its utmost confidentiality about its investments, accidentally filed for an IPO, exposing its financials for the first time in history. "While we expected to go public someday, this was never supposed to happen," lamented managing director Chad Levarge. "We prefer to operate in the background so as to not divulge fees, compensation, and other business practices that have been central to our success." The firm's S-1 filing revealed $12 billion in 'General' fees, a direct line item for 'Misc. Write-Downs,' and a strategic initiative called 'LTCM2,' sending shockwaves through the financial world.

Announcing the 2025 "LinkedIn Laureate" Award for Asset Manager CMOs!

There's a new benchmark for excellence in asset management communication: LinkedIn Marketing Mastery. This prestigious new award honors the Chief Marketing Officers who have truly optimized the algorithm, delivering the perfect blend of thought leadership, humblebrags, pictures of co-workers at an offsite, and just the right number of videos, interactive polls, and fun facts. Judges, assisted by AI tools, will assess post- engagement impact measured by likes, shares, and comments. Congratulations in advance to the industry's most influential influencers!

Investment Managers Launch "SAVE" Teams to Cut Costs

In a bold effort to improve efficiency and "optimize" expenditures, asset managers are rolling out dedicated SAVE Teams (Strategic Allocation of Value & Efficiency) within their non-PM functional areas. Inspired by DOGE (Dept. of Government Efficiency), these elite cost-cutters will streamline expenses — mainly by eliminating client dinners, business-class flights, replacing sales incentives, and cutting staff that has been with the firm less than 2 years. Members of SAVE teams acknowledge that their efforts are somewhat constrained by a focus on non-PM functions, given that they, on average, can address only 37% of the overall spending budget. 

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